you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
