I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
