I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
