every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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