garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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