Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize