I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
