you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
