Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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