He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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