YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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