I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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