Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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