when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize