Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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