i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
