I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
