what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
