the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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