At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
