Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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