i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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