Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
