So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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