his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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