My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
