You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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