if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
