Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
