this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
