fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
