My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
