Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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