I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
