I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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