remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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