im six kinds of drunk right now
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
