I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
