you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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