Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
