I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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