I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
