is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
