Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
