Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
