your parents love me but you hate me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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