i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
pop tarts are not kleenex
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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