Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Randomize
