I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
