I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You ruined the universe
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
