I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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