Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
