And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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