ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
