i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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