I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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