We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
