I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
