i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize