cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
