getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
