What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
