I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
