i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
